


A Very Merry Unbirthday

by theinconceivabletruth



Category: Log Horizon
Genre: A Very Important Mission, Bad Math, Birthdays, Emotions, Feelings, Gen, Humor, Manipulation, Teamwork, Timeline Shenanigans, What the fuck is anyone's age anyways, character introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:19:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9361451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinconceivabletruth/pseuds/theinconceivabletruth
Summary: Honestly, if someone called him an old man one more time, Shiroe was going to murder someone.Probably Naotsugu.With all the time slippage between the world of Theldesia and Earth, age gets a little tricky.Even so, sometimes Shiroe needs to be reminded that a lot of people appreciate him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Christmas present to LordByron (yes, I know I'm posting late), who is also the beta reader *cough*slavedriver*cough*. Four hours straight spent on editing, I kid you not. Say thank you to his drive in seeing this complete. He puts up with my crazy plot-bunny texts at all hours.  
> He also gifted me with the first six Log Horizon light novels, likely in an attempt to continue to fuel said plot-bunnies...  
> It's working.  
> Krusty wouldn't cooperate for his section until I wrote him a bloody character exploration piece, which can be found on my dashboard: The Scarlet Wash of Day and Night.

**~ IN WHICH Akatsuki Gathers Intel For (** **_On_ ** **) Her Lord ~**

It was, as usual, early morning when Akatsuki woke up to check that none of the traps set around the guildhouse had been disturbed. No proper ninja would allow their lord to sleep undefended. Level ninety Assassin traps were nothing to scoff at. 

She found Nyanta in the kitchens afterwards to deposit her customary morning contribution to the day’s meals with a silent nod _. The damn feather dusters just don’t understand territory marking. Stay off my lord’s windowsill! _ Akatsuki stepped sideways with a peculiar twist of will into that odd space she could only describe as  _ everywhere and nowhere _ , and she flickered through the building as no more than a passing shadow. 

Akatsuki didn’t stop until she reached Shiroe’s office, and she made sure to ascertain he had  _ actually  _ gone to bed in his bedroom before sliding back into view. It was hard to interact with objects that weren’t her own equipment as a shadow. By this point, it was more natural to pass through the world using Silent Move than not; Akatsuki often had to consciously stop herself from using it. She hadn’t even realized she  _ needed _ to until Nyanta had quietly taken her aside one day and murmured, “While everyone may be friends with their shadow-nyah, it is very hard to talk to one, Akatsuki-chan.”

Okay, so it had taken her a moment, but she was a ninja, dammit! She could do metaphors. Ninja life was  _ made _ of metaphors.  _ Be a leaf in the wind, indeed _ . 

But he’d still had to  _ tell _ her. Akatsuki hadn’t even noticed the distance between herself and the other guildmates. It had just felt so familiar. In her old life, she’d always had distance between what people saw, and the girl who wanted to serve a greater cause. Akatsuki had only ever managed to deal with it with a lot of mental hopscotch.  _ Smile, and gather the facts they unknowingly drop; be their friend, until the order comes for a knife between the ribs. _

However, Akatsuki  _ could _ see that the two Debauchery Tea Party members had a more natural understanding of Shiroe than she did. Even panties -loving Naotsugu followed Shiroe better. And that was simply unacceptable. How could she properly serve her lord, how could she be his silent sword, if he had to explicitly tell her what to do?

Hence her current mission. Every morning, before Shiroe awoke, Akatsuki would skim the documents her lord had been working on the night before. It would never be a perfect window into his mind, but it did allow her to make predictions about future missions based on where he spent his time. 

It also made her very glad she did not have Shiroe’s job. Akatsuki’s uncle had always complained that the main reason officers existed in the Army was to fill out paperwork; Akatsuki supposed that being head of a guild was much the same, if Marielle and Shiroe were anything to judge by. 

Upon completing her self-assigned task, Akatsuki allowed herself to fade from vision once more. Habit carried her back down towards the communal kitchen. But there was a tug of  _ annoyance _ at her Tracker senses that she instinctively followed, whirling out of insubstantial shadow to plant a substantial knee into Naotsugu’s face. 

_ Oh.  _

“Why are you saying perverted thoughts so early in the morning?” Akatsuki’s expression could have shattered a diamond. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of morning—“ 

The knife hand to the throat left Naotsugu wheezing for air. Akatsuki turned to leave again, but she halted at Naotsugu’s frantic handwaving and impatiently waited for him to regain the ability to speak. When he finally did, it was with a noticeable rasp. 

“Actually, I was thinking that for Shiroe’s birthday, I should get him his very own Panties No—“ Naotsugu paused. Akatsuki hadn’t even twitched, which he was obviously unnerved by.  _ Information on my lord! _

_ Mine!  _

Since Naotsugu seemed to have lost the thread of this vitally important conversation, Akatsuki prompted him. “And what was the date of Shiroe-dono’s birth?”  _ Age and day. Wording is important _ . 

“Ahah! I will only give you that information if you promise me that no matter what I gift Shiroe, you won’t make it vanish!”  _ Urk. Miscalculation _ . The Pervert’s gaze was confident. She needed a counter. 

“I could always ask him myself.”

“You know he’d never give a straight answer.”  _ Parried. _

“I’m sure that Nyanta-san knows.”  _ Find the opening _ .

“I’m not. Besides, why go digging through cryptic BS when you can have a direct answer for such a small price?” 

_ Damn. The Pervert is right. Shiroe-dono would never fall to his perverted ways anyways, but to have my lord’s innocence sullied by the presence of such a thing… _

“Fine,” Akatsuki bit out. Naotsugu’s grin was triumphant. 

“I’m holding you to that! Okay, so here’s the thing: Shiroe was a damn  _ hikikomori _ , but he built his entire character so he would be forced to interact with other people. So you need to help me make this one memorable for him, but it’s gotta be a secret! We have about a week to prepare, since Shiroe’s birthday is on…”

Purpose firmed in her mind, Akatsuki settled down to plan with her unacknowledged ally. 

For her lord, she could put aside anything. 

 

**~ IN WHICH A Crew is Assembled ~**

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the coffee was brewing, and Henrietta could hear Marielle’s complaints about paperwork echoing through the guildhall. She stroked the edge of her clipboard in contentment. That sound never failed to increase productivity levels in the younger members of the guild. They all felt so deliciously  _ guilty _ . 

It was only upon entering Marielle’s office that Henrietta stiffened slightly, a presence flickering in the corner of her awareness. That intensity of adorableness can only be Akatsuki!  _ Gimme. _

“Akatsuki-chan~! You came to say hello~!”  _ Can I get her into a dress, or not, is the question. _

“I’m on a mission” was the deadpan reply.  _ Rats. Although Akatsuki’s Serious Business Face is also utterly adorable. _

“Oh?” Henrietta adjusted her glasses. “And how does the Crescent Moon Alliance factor into this mission?”  _ Maybe there will be undercover work? _

Marielle had taken the opportunity to stop doing paperwork, but Henrietta didn’t really blame her. They were both equally focused on Akatsuki. 

“You are all Shiroe-dono’s friends. Next week is my lord’s birthday.” Akatsuki’s face was still utterly serious.  _ Yes, she would consider this on the same magnitude as an invasion of Akiba. _

Marielle gasped. “It’s Shiro-bou’s birthday? We have to throw a party!”

Henrietta nodded in comprehension. “I see. You and Naotsugu-san have made it your mission to distract our resident shadow leader from his worries, and remind him that people care about him, as well?” She certainly didn’t  _ need _ to say it out loud, but Akatsuki’s resulting blush was reason enough. 

It also served to get Marielle all fired up about making a great surprise party for Shiroe. She stood and struck a power pose. “Henrietta! The Crescent Moon Alliance shall have all hands on deck for this Very Important Mission to give back to our greatest friend, Shiro-bou! We will cook the most delicious food we are capable of! There will be decorations! And gifts! And dancing! And-”

“And all instructions and communications will be delivered by Akatsuki-chan, to ensure that it stays a secret. Of course, we’ll have to dump a good bit more paperwork on Shiroe-sama to make sure he can’t pay too much attention to what we’re doing.” Henrietta tilted her head, allowing the lenses of her glasses to flare. Shiroe appeared to do the same, entirely unconsciously.  _ Then again, Shiroe-sama is Shiroe-sama; I am but a pupil at the feet of a master manipulator.  _

It took a good bit more time to properly hash out all the details. Nyanta would contribute his own cooking skills as well, of course, but he would cover primarily specialty dishes. Minori would be recruited to logistics. Isuzu would sing. Most of the rest of the two guilds would serve as hard labor.  The other guildmasters of the Round Table Conference would be invited, given that several were close acquaintances with Shiroe, and to do otherwise would be insulting. And so it went. Eventually, Henrietta felt things had begun to be arranged to her liking, and allowed Marielle and Akatsuki to wind down the conversation. All parties appeared satisfied. 

_ Perfect. If there’s dancing, Akatsuki-chan will have to let me dress her up. And if she’s working messages, I’ll have plenty of access. Exactly as planned.  _

Henrietta had a feeling Akatsuki didn’t know entirely what she was in for. 

_ I can’t wait! _

 

**~ IN WHICH Minori Makes an Error in Her Calculations ~**

It was swiftly becoming Minori’s habit to overanalyze whatever situation she was placed in, as her teacher Shiroe did. Tohya had started complaining recently that that didn’t mean she needed to apply such to normal social situations. Like this. But it was Shiroe-sama’s birthday. He was her guildmaster; he was her teacher.  _ And I’m definitely a little bit in love with him. _ So it had to be perfect. Even if Akatsuki was her rival in love, they were in agreement on that. 

Shiroe-sama’s birthday was also an excellent way to learn more about him and get closer to him. It was already bringing her more information. Minori now had Shiroe’s birthday. Not the year – unfortunately, Akatsuki hadn’t seen fit to share yet, which needed to be rectified very soon, otherwise how would they know how many candles to put on the cake?  _ Not to mention I’d really like to know exactly how far I’m reaching… I’m in middle school, and I know Shiroe-sama is in grad school, so it can’t be  _ that _ bad, can it? On the other hand… there’s no way to shrink the age gap between us, but at least it can’t get any wider.  Time dilation doesn’t work that way.  _

_ Wait. Time dilation. Shiroe-sama was saying something about time the other day, and the changes between the real world and Theldesia. He said time here might move faster, because time in Elder Tales moved twelve times as fast as the real world did. For every month in the real world, a year passed in Elder Tale. So it might not be Shiroe’s birthday in real life… but Shiroe-sama also said that, for all intents and purposes,  _ this _ is our reality now. This is where we live  _ now _.  _

_ In that case – I may not know Shiroe-sama’s birth year, but I do know how many years he’s been playing Elder Tale in the real world!  _ Shiroe had said, before they were dragged into Theldesia, when he had first started teaching Minori and Tohya, that he’d been playing for eight years.  _ Tohya and I had been playing for about six months, four before we met Shiroe-sama, so our characters are about six or seven years old, _ that’s so weird… _ Shiroe-sama’s birthday is during the fall, and it was XX when we met him, so add three months, and then the almost year we’ve been in Theldesia, and this year should make it … One hundred years… _

“Eeehhh???!!” Minori’s shocked screech scared all the dazzle doves off the building.  

_ No, that can’t be right, we didn’t start as babies, there was definitely a base starting age… we put our real ages in when we signed up, so take that and then add six years, which makes me and Tohya twenty, at least.. but that still makes Shiroe-sama at least 120 years old!  _

Minori’s brain promptly refused to continue trying to fit the horrible, horrible pieces together. She didn’t scream anymore; she just fainted. 

Minori’s earlier outburst had already drawn the attention of her team, who had begun making their way to her room. When they saw her slumped on the ground, Tohya and the others immediately rushed to her. 

“Minori?” Tohya propped her up. “Minori, what’s wrong? We heard you scream?”

Minori shook her head slowly. “Nothing, nothing, I’m fine, I was just doing some calculations for Shiroe-sama’s—“ she broke off. It was too horrible to contemplate. She cast her eyes about the room, looking for a distraction. Minori’s eyes caught on the golden gleam of Rudy’s coiffed hair, and her analytical mind refused to let go of the next step of scientific inquiry.  _ I need evidence. Theories can’t be true unless they hold up to testing first! _

“Hey, Rudy, do the People of the Land tell stories about Adventurers?” Tohya looked at her strangely, but Rudy immediately brightened. 

“Oh, you must mean the Epics! Those always were my favorites. Dashing knights and powerful mages, rescuing the People from the monsters in the night and saving fair maidens!” Rudy looked slightly sheepish. “I may have drawn a lot of inspiration from the Epics on my quest to become an Adventurer.”

_ The Epics? That sounds like someone seriously took their time on it.  _

Isuzu looked confused. “I thought you said Landers only had 42 songs?”

“Yes, and it’s true! We only had 42 songs before you, Miss Isuzu.” Rudy bowed, and when he looked up through his bangs, his face dripped ‘grateful puppy.’ Isuzu blushed.  _ I don’t blame her. _ “But the Epics aren’t songs, they’re stories—tales—and they aren’t created by the People of the Land, not really. The Epics are born from the actions of Adventurers, and they’re all based in fact. The People just make them easier to remember by putting them into the form of an Epic. And because they come from the deeds of Adventurers, we are always getting new ones!” Rudy’s face shone with enthusiasm for the topic. “Of course, nobody knows all the Epics – some can only be found locally. But there are certain Epics, about certain Adventurers, that everyone knows.” Rudy’s face turned contemplative. “I bet there’s a new one in Choushi Town now. We might even be in it – wouldn’t that be exciting?”

“It would be, if you hadn’t almost died, you idiot,” Isuzu grumbled.  _ Uh oh, she’s mad about that again. But –  _

“Why have we never heard of this before?” Minori was a bit floored by the new information. 

Rudy shrugged eloquently. “Why would Adventurers need to be told stories about their own actions? The Epics are meant to teach the People of the Land. Our lives aren’t as long as yours, so we need the Epics to remember important things – like which Adventurers you can trust, or what level you’d need to handle a particular monster infestation. Adventurers, though – I’d bet that at nearly fifty percent of Adventurers were alive while most of the Epics were created.”

_ And here we are back at the original reason for my question. That was quite a tangent—I’ll have to think about the rest of it later. Now what did Shiroe-sama say ReGan called him? _ “Rudy, are there any Epics about Shiroe the Archmage?”

“But of course! Over half of the most well-known Epics have Shiroe the Archmage in them. And of course he’s in _The_ _Debauchery_ – that’s the Epic about the Debauchery Tea Party, it’s very long – which was recorded in full over twenty years ago now. And some of the Epics that Shiroe-sama is in are even older, though he doesn’t feature quite as prominently, I suppose.” 

Minori slumped against Tohya.  _ Worst fears confirmed. _ Rudy rambled on, oblivious. “Did you not know? Of course I knew, that’s why I was so thunderstruck when he invited me to his guild. I’m wonderful—anyone would be happy to have me—but he’s Shiroe the  _ Archmage _ . How could I say anything but yes?”

Tohya glanced knowingly down at his sister. “So, Sis, how old is Shiroe-sama turning this year?”

Minori hid her face behind her sleeve. “I think he’s going to be twenty-four.”

“And how old is he in Elder Tales?”

_ Why does my own brother torment me so? _ Minori curled tighter in on herself. “…at least one hundred.”

Silence from Tohya. Rudy continued to eloquent in the background to an inattentive Isuzu, who was gleefully chanting, “He’s an old man! He, Naotsugu, Nyanta – they’re all  _ old men _ ! Oh my god!”

“Minori, we’re going to have a  _ talk _ , later.”

 

**~ IN WHICH A Plot Develops within the Plotting ~**

The airy room Krusty used for his office in the guildhall had a large picture window overlooking Akiba. It was also directly illuminated by the sun at this time of day. Which was why Krusty always ensured that any meeting with someone he hated was scheduled for the afternoon. Or if they were insistent on taking up his very valuable time with something trivial. Or if it was Shiroe. It was a petty trick to throw others off balance, but Krusty had no qualms about occasionally sinking to petty levels. Besides, the sun backlit him into an imposing silhouette, and he enjoyed watching irritating little pests squint and stumble. 

Watching Shiroe try to melt back into the shadows, out of the glare of the light, was entertaining too. 

Krusty’s own feelings about the Round Table’s Villain in Glasses were conflicted. Admiration for his ruthlessness, certainly. A – he hesitated to think it –   _ comforting _ certainty in Shiroe’s morals, ironically. He might want to hate Shiroe sometimes for making him work so hard, but Krusty held that hatred was Too Much Work. So Shiroe’s largest effect on Krusty’s emotional state was irritation; Krusty firmly placed most of the blame for his current workload squarely on Shiroe’s shoulders. After all, if he’d never called for – no,  _ demanded _ —the creation of the Round Table Alliance, Krusty would never have gotten shoehorned into being the figurehead of said organization. 

There was a knock at the door. Misa smoothly opened the door and entered, and in her hands was—

_ …Paperwork. How do I get Shiroe back for this? He enjoys being a workaholic… _

“Krusty-sama, Akatsuki-san stopped by with a message for you. Apparently, Shiroe-sama’s 24 th birthday will take place next week. You and a few other guildmasters have been invited to attend the surprise party.”  _ Unsaid here is that she won’t let me NOT attend. _ Krusty blinked. Misa continued. “It is evidently an attempt to drag Shiroe-sama away from work.”

_ That’s new. Most adventurers seem to be ignoring evidence of passage of time in the real world. What are they even calculating from? It seems so arbitrary. I’m surprised they even invited me, it’s probably a very small party. Shiroe hates crowds _ … The kernel of an idea began to form. “Mm. And?”

“And it may interest you to know that, reckoning by Elder Tales time progression, Shiroe-sama’s avatar will be turning one hundred.”

_ Did I hear that right?  _

“Yuzuko was hanging out with some of the younger Log Horizon members and reported that they were ‘laughing their asses off’ about Shiroe-sama apparently having reached a hundred.” Misa paused very deliberately. “We all seem to have aged very gracefully.” 

_ Yes, it would apply to all of us, wouldn’t it.  _ “I wonder if it will continue that way…” Krusty mused. “Shiroe* is certainly one of the ‘oldest’ players, but I imagine most of the level 90 avatars must be nearing a century. Some of the older Tea Party members might even be pushing two hundred.”

“It does match what we saw at the Ice Palace. A lot of the Landers… knew things about more prominent guild members. Especially you and Shiroe-sama.”

“Yes, I did hear the term ‘Shiroe the Archmage’ get thrown around a lot.”  _ Maybe that… _ “We’ll have to start taking it into account more.  _ We _ feel like we’re starting with a clean slate, but clearly the  _ Landers _ don’t think so.” 

Krusty allowed himself a satisfied grin. Misa didn’t mind the gloating in private as long as he got his work done.  _ Slavedriver. _ “So now it’s the Villain’s turn to contribute to public relations. The 100 th birthday of Shiroe the Archmage should be just the thing. We’ll have to send out invitations.” Krusty indulged himself in a glasses adjustment.  _ Sometimes it’s too fun to fall into stereotypes… _

Of course, Misa had to go and ruin it all. 

“I will only help you pull this off behind Shiroe-sama’s back if you’re pulling your own weight.  _ You’re _ writing the invitations to the most important guests.”

_ Ugh. Trapped myself this time. But watching Shiroe squirm might be worth it… _

 

**~ IN WHICH There is Much Dithering ~**

Tohya was certain that finding gifts was not supposed to be this hard. Minori was fretting herself to pieces. She had let Marielle drag her all over town yesterday looking for a gift for Shiroe. Marielle had come back with the most perfectly hideous stuffed creature Tohya had ever laid eyes on. The only charitable thing he could say about it was that it looked soft. And also large enough to be a body pillow. 

Minori had come back empty handed. 

Which, given the  _ discussion _ two days ago about age, was probably a good thing. Tohya certainly didn’t consider their avatars’ Elder Tales age equivalent to be their real age ( _ Six! No way! _ ). But Shiroe was still turning  _ twenty-four _ . Tohya and Minori were only in  _ middle school _ . A ten-year age gap might not be such a big deal if everyone was actually of age. Shiroe wouldn’t be the guy Tohya thought he was if he even considered a relationship with Minori, and Minori needed to realize that pushing Shiroe to do that could get him in a lot of trouble. Akiba might not have a police force, but the guilds all watched each other. Tohya had  _ thought _ Minori had realized this the other day, but she was off worrying about getting Shiroe the perfect gift.

_Maybe that’s where I should start._ _Nothing says platonic like a joint gift._ _Though Minori will only agree if I’ve put some thought into it._ What did you even get for someone like Shiroe?

Tohya was tempted to seek out Akatsuki, given she seemed to know every detail about Shiroe possible; but she was busy with secret communications for the party, and she seemed to be equally frustrated about gift ideas. The one time she had seemed free, Akatsuki had been tangled in a skein of yarn that had swiftly become confetti. Tohya had very carefully Not Mentioned It.  _ Naotsugu-sensei is 100% a better choice right now.  _

Tohya found Naotsugu on the guildhouse roof, setting out tables and chairs and stacking wood by the fire pit.  _ I wish I could lift heavy things as effortlessly as he does. _

“Naotsugu-sensei? I thought the party was being held in one of the training fields?”

“Oh, Tohya-kun!” Naotsugu straightened up. “Well, you’re right, it is. And it’ll be great.  _ This _ is the retreat zone, because Shiroe is enough of a  _ hikikomori _ that he’ll find some way to escape. If we want to keep the party going, we have to be prepared! He can deal if it’s just Log Horizon.”

_ He really thought this out. _ “Then why are we having a big party at all?”

“Shiroe likes to fall back into the shadows so much that the majority of Akiba don’t know who he is or his role here.” Naotsugu’s voice dropped to a low mutter. “Or he thinks that. I don’t know anyone else who’s as unaware of their own reputation as he is.” He raised his voice again. “It’s good to let him know he’s appreciated! He needs to pull his head out of his ass and realize how many girls are chasing him, it’s totally unfair!” This last bit was said with remarkable vehemence. 

_ Hopefully one less, soon. _ “Er… about that, Naotsugu-sensei. I was wondering what you’re getting for Shiroe-sama? Minori and I can’t figure out what to give him.”

Naotsugu raised a knowing eyebrow before smiling and leaning in. “Only the most appropriate gift for a man of his  _ advanced _ age, of course.” He paused. Tohya waited, hope rising. “A Panties Notebook, of course! Writing prompts included! Shiroe needs a little guidance.”

Tohya was speechless for a moment. Did a double-take.  _ No Akatsuki-san? She really must be busy…  _ “You’re a genius, Naotsugu-sensei!”  _ Wait. It’s an awesome idea, but a Panties Notebook coming from Minori is  _ entirely _ the wrong message.  _ “…So what should we get him?”

“Ah! But what does the Panties Notebook  _ mean _ , my student?”

“Uh… you want to infec— _ share _ your panties obsession with him?”

“Yes! The sharing of common interests! That’s one. Try another!” 

“Er. You want Shiroe-sama to like girls?”

“Close! It doesn’t really matter whether they’re female or male panties,” Naotsugu confided in a low voice. “It’s about feeling a desire for human connection, and focusing on one’s own desires in relation to that!” 

“Oh! You mean like Nyanta-san was saying that the purpose of the party is to show Shiroe-sama that a lot of people care about him and feel connected to him? Because sometimes he can’t see it?” _ Naotsugu-sensei is so smart! _

Naotsugu nodded wisely. “Now, my student, go and find your representation of the ties to our Shiroe that we hold most dear!” 

_ Okay! Here we go. A notebook may not be the best option for us, but what’s similar to a notebook, that shows memories? Photographs, and scrapbooks! I’m terrible at crafts, but hopefully Minori is suitably satisfied by making something for Shiroe-sama herself… _

 

**~ IN WHICH The Prey is Hunted ~**

For once, when Henrietta came in at six in the morning and poked her awake, Marielle did not roll over back into slumber once Henrietta left the room. Today was Party Day for Shiroe! She was just too excited, whirling about the room getting ready for a busy day.  _ Food and friends and making Shiro-bou blush! _

Marielle spun out of her room just in time to see Henrietta chivying a flustered Akatsuki into the wardrobe room.  _ Heeheehee… New clothes for Akatsuki-chan and Shiro-bou… and they match! _

And it was Marielle’s job to help Henrietta ambush Shiroe with his new outfit, and then distractingly flutter him all the way to the party grounds.  _ But that’s later. For now, let’s start the cooking! _

From there it was a busy busy day of making sure everything was perfect. The Crescent Moon Alliance would be providing the bulk of the food to party attendees, while Nyanta focused on delicacies. Krusty had surprisingly volunteered to have D.D.D. prep the practice fields for the party. Of course,  _ now _ Marielle knew it was to help him pull that sneaky trick of inviting a bunch of Lander nobles and other important people to send representatives to the party. Marielle wasn’t totally against the concept, because the whole point was to show Shiroe how many people appreciated him, and he would blush so deliciously. But it also meant that Marielle had to keep an eye on the preparations to make sure Krusty didn’t seat Shiroe surrounded by a group of floofy, stick-in-the-mud Lander nobles. 

_ Besides, if I don’t get to see Shiro-bou and Akatsuki-chan stammering and blushing their way through conversation next to each other in matching outfits, I am going to scream.  _

Finally, finally, it was time to go Shiroe hunting!

Naotsugu had dragged Shiroe out to a fairly normal lunch break, just the two of them, to disguise the fact that the rest of Log Horizon was running around busy with the party. Naotsugu then had the rather difficult job of appearing to allow Shiroe to drag him back to the guildhouse to do paperwork, while simultaneously preventing Shiroe from noticing any party-related shenanigans happening in the streets. 

The party would start at 4:00 pm, and so Marielle was here at 3:00 pm to “spontaneously call on Shiroe for Important Business” that would turn into “clothes modeling” with Henrietta. 

Naotsugu gave her a thumbs up when he came out the door of Shiroe’s office. Marielle just barely restrained herself from glomping him in glee, because he was just  _ so cute _ . Instead, she burst through the door with a blinding amount of enthusiasm, Henrietta slipping inside in her shadow. 

“Shiro-bou! Come away from that nasty paperwork, we really need you to try on these clothes, you won’t believe the conflict of opinions we’re having, the  _ only  _ way to settle this is—“ 

Shiroe’s dazed look as Marielle dragged him straight out of his chair signaled she was effectively distracting him, allowing Henrietta to discreetly set up a portable changing room that Marielle could then back Shiroe into.

“—So put these on, okay? Hurry, hurry, hurry!”

Once Shiroe had pulled on the fitted navy blue sweater over a dress shirt and slacks, Henrietta swooped in to wrangle him into a light blue bow-tie. Despite squeeing internally, Marielle allowed herself to be drawn into a rousing argument with Henrietta over supposed merits and flaws of alternative colors.  Which then allowed her to say, “Fine! We need another opinion, let’s go!”

“Hey, wait—“ started Shiroe, but Marielle had already glomped onto his arm and was dragging him out the door, followed after by an envious Naotsugu, who wolf-whistled when he saw Shiroe. 

Between the three of them, they managed to distract Shiroe a bit on the way, though Marielle knew Shiroe was deeply suspicious about all three of them. It was a mark of his trust in all of them that he wasn’t pleading paperwork as a way out.  

At last they turned the corner of the street into the entrance to the field where the party had been set up. Shiroe could see the banner stretched out over the entrance, as well as the crowd of Log Horizon and Crescent Moon Alliance guild members and assorted others gathered below. 

Some cheeky individual had designed the sign to say, “Congrats on finishing your first Century!” below the “Happy Birthday!” part of the banner. 

Shiroe often didn’t talk a lot outside of strategy based monologues, but Marielle fancied she knew him well enough to tell his varied silences apart. And this was a speechless, stalled-thought silence. Shiroe’s eyes had gone very wide. 

Marielle adjusted her grip; this deserved a full-body hug. “Happy Birthday, Shiroe!” She stepped back to allow Shiroe to see Naotsugu’s grinning face and Henrietta smugly adjusting her glasses, then pushed him under Naotsugu’s one-armed hug.  _ Their friendship is so cute _ ! 

“Seriously, you guys, this is too much…” Shiroe muttered, blushing hard. Naotsugu set out to soundly disabuse him of that notion. 

Marielle waited impatiently as Naotsugu’s good-natured ribbing brought Shiroe back to earth and put a little more bounce in his step.  _ Okay, he’s ready, let’s go! _

“Come on, Shiro-bou, you’re the guest of honor! The party can’t start without you!”

 

**~ IN WHICH The Prey is Treed ~**

Of course it was a surprise party. Shiroe had a prickling feeling on the back of his neck all week, like a monster was sneaking up on him.  _ Not to mention the sneezing.  _

He’d brushed it off as related to… well _ , this _ , because to be honest, Shiroe hadn’t even considered it was nearing his birthday on the  _ Elder Tales _ timeline. Shiroe usually avoided considering time outside of Theldesia besides in the academic sense, but it certainly hadn’t been long enough to reach his actually birthday in November.  _ This reeks of Naotsugu’s scheming… _

And it had been Naotsugu, Shiroe was certain.  _ Well, Nyanta-san may have hinted _ . Only a handful of Debauchery Tea Party members had ever known Shiroe well enough in-game to know his birthday IRL.

After Henrietta forcibly shoved Shiroe and Akatsuki together for an embarrassing pair photo, Akatsuki led Shiroe to the tables.  _ Don’t think I missed that they color-coordinated us…  _ Akatsuki was dressed in a light blue blouse that matched Shiroe’s bow-tie (or he matched her, rather), a swishy navy blue skirt, and knee high boots. Her sleeves hung long and loose; Shiroe figured it was a solid bet she had knives hidden in both the sleeves and the boots. Her hair was caught up in an elaborate twist by her favorite Heliotrope hairpin. _ I’m surprised Henrietta let us get away with both sophisticated and functional clothing tonight.  _

Shiroe leaned over to Naotsugu, who was seated next to him, and hissed, “One hundred doesn’t even make any sense, rationally. What’s with that number?”

“Hey, don’t look at me, Minori-chan did the calculations. It’s how long your character’s existed in Elder Tale!”

“Yes, but they don’t start at age  _ zero _ , your avatar has a base starting age.”

“Now, beggars can’t be choosers; it’s close enough, what with time being so flexible. This is the funniest option. Plus, that ReGan guy showed up and started spouting some nonsense about ‘the hundredth year being a hallmark in the life of any enchanter, particularly for half-alves or something. Then we  _ had  _ to do it.” Naotsugu nodded towards the table, where ReGan was practically vibrating with excitement. 

ReGan wasn’t the only Lander seated at the food-laden main table; Rayneshia was seated there as well, with Krusty seated next to her, of course. Most of the other guildmasters were present as well: Isaac and Michitaka had already acquired pints of beer, with Ains nursing a cup of wine; Roderick and Minori had already fallen into conversation, something about photographs; Soujirou was surrounded, as always, by a number of fans, which now seemed to include a female Lander or two; Calasin, Woodstock, and Akaneya were debating some mercantile trade with a Lander noble Shiroe didn’t know **.** _Wait, there are a lot of people here I don’t know..._

While not making up the majority of guests, there was a significant contingent of Landers present. Who all looked like they were ready to begin rubbing elbows and trading favors with every duplicitous bone they had.  _ That smirk Krusty-san is sporting is much too smug.  _

His expectations were fulfilled when Krusty stood and announced they’d start with a presentation of gifts. Because of course he did. 

While the fact that Shiroe was the center of so many people’s undivided attention was intensely disconcerting, the actual gift-giving was not unbearable. Several items that could help with guild funds came into his possession, as well as a few rare items that he himself might have use for.  _ That book from ReGan-san, in particular—I can’t wait to crack that open.  _ World Class Magic Theory _ , who would have thought… _

The food was excellent, and Shiroe realized just how much effort that the Crescent Moon Alliance and his own guild had put into this party.  _ For me? _ The thought was warming in a strange way. Shiroe settled himself in to eat, and drink, and listen to the banter of those gathered.  _ So many people, here for _ me. 

Despite the fact that he had somehow found himself enjoying the party, Shiroe could also feel the inevitable drain on his energy due to the presence of so many people. By the time the food had been devoured and more determined mingling had begun, Shiroe was starting to droop. He could feel the strain building between his eyebrows. 

That was when Naotsugu caught his eye. 

“Hey, everyone! Thanks so much for coming out and showing Shiroe here a good time. It’s been a great evening. But old men need their rest, so we’ll be taking our leave of you tonight ---“ 

_ Really, there was no need to go that far… _

And Akatsuki dropped her smoke bombs, and Shiroe was thrown over the shoulder of his Guardian friend, and they were all back in front of the guildhouse. Shiroe blinked.  _ I actually don’t know if I’ve ever experienced one of Akatsuki’s ninja tricks before.  _

They went up to the roof, where the rest of Log Horizon was waiting for them, smiling. Isuzu raised her hand to her lute and started off the group into a round of singing “Happy Birthday,” which Rudy seemed almost childishly delighted in. 

When they had finished, Akatsuki said firmly, “Now it’s time for us to give you our gifts, my lord.”

“While everyone gives out their gifts, let’s all eat mine and Serara-chan’s, nyah?” Nyanta smiled. “We have hot chocolate from Susukino to ward off the nip of the night air, and light cake to go along with, nyah.”

_ Mm. Sounds delicious _ . 

Tohya bounced up excitedly. “All right then! Minori and I will go first!” Minori shyly presented a wrapped package to Shiroe. He pulled off the wrapping and found a… scrapbook? Intrigued, Shiroe opened to the first page, and found a series of photographs from the past week. The kids lined up together, holding up victory signs; a candid of Shiroe from the few times he had made it out to practice; Nyanta and Serara cooking in the kitchen; Marielle and Henrietta fussing over Akatsuki in a dress; Akatsuki pummeling Naotsugu. 

MInori said, a little nervously, “Rodrick and his researchers just came out with a new camera that they developed. We got one for the guild, but this is for you, Shiroe-sensei. To help remember all the good times, even when we’re working hard.” 

Shiroe smiled at the two of them. “Well, it seems you are both becoming very wise.” He didn’t miss the triumphant grin Tohya tossed towards Naotsugu. 

Isuzu came next, with a music box. “I got a recording box from the Radio Market, and recorded some soft music for you to use while you’re working, Shiroe-san…” 

Rudy presented a hand-bound book with a flourish. “This is a copy of  _ The Debauchery _ . Minori said that most Adventurers may not be aware of The Epics, but a full set is very difficult to acquire… I thought you might find this one of the most interest.” Shiroe immediately blushed at the implication of being included in a piece of what was apparently epic literature, but he was intrigued.   _ Despite how embarrassing that is, Rudy-kun, I have so many questions for you now. _

Naotsugu jumped in next, waving another small rectangular package. “Shiroe! Since you’ve apparently now become a real man, it’s time for me to bestow upon you a gift you must use most responsibly: a Panties Notebook ---“  _ Oh no, he didn’t. _

A solid thump to the solar plexus from Akatsuki left Naotsugu gasping. “Not fair! We had a deal.”

_ He did. Why are you handing this to me in front of everyone, Naotsugu! _

“The deal was to not make it vanish, Pervert. There’s no reason I can’t punish you for making it exist.” Shiroe’s utter embarrassment faded into a small smile at their antics. Akatsuki sniffed, then turned to Shiroe. “My lord – Shiroe. Here is my gift.” The dropping of any honorific from Akatsuki was a little shocking, and Shiroe could feel his face softening a little. 

It was a griffin feather pen, imbued with fairy dust. The Dictation Quill could be used in concert with a number of magical effects. Given how useful it was, it was fiendishly difficult to gather the components, as all of them were harvested from monsters without killing them.  _ Akatsuki’s becoming more skillful by the day… Before the Catastrophe, it may not have even been possible to create.  _

Shiroe could feel a silly smile creeping over his face. “You guys… you know you didn’t have to do this.”

“Of course we know!” said Naotsugu. 

“But we  _ wanted _ to. Because sometimes people have to be reminded that you care about them,” Tohya said determinedly. 

“You work so hard for everyone, Shiroe-chi,” Nyanta added. “We can see you care. We’re very happy you formed this guild, nyah.”

Shiroe could feel his throat getting tight. “Thank you, everyone… I’m happy, too.” And he was, Shiroe realized. Despite the workload, despite the Catastrophe, despite the uncertainty of the future, Shiroe was the happiest he’d ever been. 

_ A purpose, and people who care... that sounds about right.  _

 

**~ IN WHICH We have an OMAKE ~**

It was as they were all relaxing around the firepit after the gift giving that it happened.  Akatsuki’s trained ears heard the distant yell of “Incoming!” first.  Shiroe felt a foreboding prickle on the back of his neck. 

And then a blazing orange meteorite struck, too fast to react, despite the utter lack of subtlety. 

When the dust from impact cleared, it revealed a busty young lady furiously glomping Shiroe, who had been driven into the ground. 

“Happy Birthday, Shiro-kun! You’ve grown so big! Happy happy birthday!” Shiroe was trying ineffectually to push her off, while Naotsugu laughed his ass off unhelpfully in the background. “Kanami-san, while it is wonderful to see you, could you  _ please _ get off me?”

“But Shiro-kun, we haven’t seen each other in so long! And it’s your birthday, which is like the only time anyone can hug you!” Kanami stopped glomping Shiroe, but remained sitting firmly on top of him. Akatsuki and Minori’s eyes bugged out. 

Akatsuki was paralyzed, one hand on her kodachi. Naotsugu took the opportunity and leaned over. “That’s Kanami-san, from the Tea Party. Cute, aren’t they? You should see her kid too – most adorable, fearless little girl I ever saw.”

The information overload was too much for Akatsuki and Minori.  _ Did Kanami-san win before we even got here? _

They both promptly passed out. 

**Author's Note:**

> Minori's thoughts on age calculation here are basically my own though process, until I self-sabotaged where I was trying to get to and came up with a really not helpful final iteration, which is kinda what Shiroe is referring to, later - that he should, by rights, be 125- ish, if you take both the Elder Tales time and the base starting age into consideration.  
> To which Naotsugu says, "But this is much more fun!", and I said, "Screw it."  
> If you can't tell, I am not a fan of Shiroe/Minori, and I don't think Tohya should be a fan either. She's thirteen. While very mature, she's still THIRTEEN. I really like her a lot - too much to not be helpful and knock her over the head with a few facts.  
> If you didn't catch it, I included a personal headcanon here: The Epics. I love the idea that Landers use them as a way of teaching what Adventurers are important and what tasks are recurring that may require Adventurers of a certain ability level. I'm looking at actually writing part of The Debauchery at some point.   
> Where this fits into the Log Horizon timeline... sometime before Krusty gets abducted by the Doom Scythe, I guess.
> 
> Constructive Criticism is highly welcome.


End file.
